Developing Your Emotional Operating Systems

"Emotions are contagious. The way you understand and manage yourself gets communicated through the community every day, all day."
— Robin Stern, Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence

In this Operating System of You series, we've explored how intentional systems—not random willpower—shape who you become as a leader.

We've walked through how to create a Physical Operating System that builds your energy and an Intellectual Operating System that sharpens your thinking

But there's a gap between knowing what to do and having the emotional stability to do it well

In this edition, we will discuss how to create an Emotional Operating System that sustains and recenters you…even during the most difficult days of leadership

Emotional depletion doesn't just drain you—it drains everyone around you

Educational leadership is emotional labor in its purest form

You absorb the anxieties of parents before sunrise, navigate staff conflicts by mid-morning, make high-stakes decisions by noon, and manage board tensions by evening.

You're regulating not only your own stress but everyone else's

And here's the paradox: Even though you're surrounded by people all day, leadership can feel profoundly isolating

You're the one person who can't fully vent, can't show too much doubt, can't admit you're overwhelmed without creating anxiety in the building

The cost isn’t just personal

When principals struggle to regulate their emotions, their staff struggles as well 

Research shows that a leader's ability to regulate their own emotions can have positive effects on the entire school.

A leaders' inability to regulate their own emotions may trigger ripple effects of negative emotions throughout their organizations, impacting staff well-being

Educators working for school leaders who are emotionally disconnected or unsupportive miss more work, feel less engaged, report more health issues, and are more likely to want to quit (BMC Psychology)

If you don't intentionally regulate your emotions and cultivate meaningful relationships, you will run on empty. And eventually, you'll make decisions from that empty place

School leaders who regulate their emotions and offer meaningful emotional support foster teams with less emotional exhaustion and more positive emotion, lower intent to leave, and greater job satisfaction

Moreover, leaders who cultivate emotional intelligence are better equipped to foster positive school climates, improve teacher retention, and boost student engagement

The reality is that, even (and perhaps especially) as school leaders, we cannot set our emotional selves aside. We bring with us the cares, burdens, concerns, hopes, fears, stressors, and experiences of our personal lives when we enter the building every bit as much as our teachers and students do

The main difference is that we are the culture makers, the climate setters, for our learning community, and how we handle, regulate, and navigate our emotional selves sets the tone for the entire ecosystem we lead

For many leaders, especially school leaders, the concept of busyness is a badge of honor akin to a war hero's wounds. And for many, dealing with their emotions is a sign of weakness and vulnerability

And yet, this neglecting of our emotional selves has measurable consequences

Research from the RAND Corporation paints a stark picture when it comes to the lifespan of a school administrator:

In the 2022 State of the American Teacher and Principal survey, researchers concluded that school leaders report worse well-being than any other working adult

“Working 120 hour weeks was a badge of honor…and stupid. You gotta lead yourself before you can lead others”

“The stress of this principalship wasn’t worth the absence after it takes its toll on your spirit and soul......”

“I feel exhausted all the time”

“I was calling burnout dedication and paying the price for it”

“You can’t pour from an empty cup and yet that’s exactly what so many leaders are forced to do. The body can only compensate for so long before fatigue, brain fog, or even illness start showing up”

“Burnout is real. I'm running on fumes most days.”

This mental and emotional burnout contributes directly to high turnover, instability, and a loss of leadership capacity in schools—factors that ultimately affect student success

School leaders MUST create a deep well of emotional resilience and well-being to do the work of administration or they face the consequences of running out of fuel

To counter this very real feeling of exhaustion, depletion, and burn out, I took ownership of my Emotional Operating System in order to foster the depth of resilience and inner stability I need to lead my school effectively

**Spoiler alert: I still feel drained, exhausted, overwhelmed, and empty quite often as a school leader…but I now have the resources and tools to know what to do to refresh, recenter, and rejuvenate myself during difficult seasons

I get up at 5am every school day to ensure I get an hour of reading, journaling, and reflection in before the day begins

I start by writing three things I'm grateful for and one intention for the day

This practice invites me to start the day from abundance rather than scarcity

Neuroscience shows that gratitude literally rewires your brain's threat detection system, making you less reactive throughout the day

When you start grounded, you stay grounded

As I wrote about in the Physical Operating System of You newsletter, I make my personal health and well-being a priority, ensuring I have enough energy in the tank to face each day

Physical movement doesn't just build strength—it builds emotional resilience

When I'm physically depleted, I'm emotionally fragile. When I'm physically strong, I can absorb more stress without breaking

The gym is where I process the challenges and demands of each day

I find going to the gym to be extremely therapeutic, and I have gotten to the point where I hate missing a day

Going to the gym is not only beneficial for my Physical Operating System (as I’ve discussed before); it gives me mental clarity and resets my emotional bank account as well

After dinner, thanks in large part to my dog, I take a walk around the neighborhood. I clock in about ½ a mile in these evening walks.

This is my decompression ritual—the bridge between school leader and human being

I process the day's tensions. I let go of what I can't control. I think through any issue I’m facing. I enjoy the sunshine and fresh air and let my mind wander

Sometimes I walk in silence. Sometimes I call a friend. Sometimes I just notice the world around me

There does seem to be some research that suggests walking after a meal like dinner helps to metabolize and provide health benefits, but it is also the time of the day when most of my neighbors are out walking as well, which gives me a chance to catch up with my community (also a vital practice for emotional well-being)

I learned this technique from several different leaders I admire:

Plan tomorrow the night before

Before bed, I write tomorrow's top 3-5 priorities and tasks. This gives my brain permission to rest instead of problem-solving all night

I identify the most important decisions, conversations, and tasks that I want to tackle the next day and write them down in the order of most importance

This simple practice has transformed my peace of mind going into the next day

There have been many times when faced with a big decision—a decision that I knew would shape the trajectory of our school culture or impact a student or faculty member—that I somehow had the foresight to say: "I don't feel settled in making this decision right now. Give me 24 hours to think this through so I have a clearer head when I make a final decision"

That pause, that rest, that discipline of stillness has calmed the tornado in me and allowed me time to reflect on what always seems to be a wiser course of action than my initial knee-jerk reaction might have been

There is a genuine magic to the power of hope, of having something to look forward to, of making plans for the future

One thing I have begun doing is setting tangible plans for myself during the summer when I have more down time to give me something to look forward to that feeds my soul when the school year gets hard

For me, that future-looking soul nourishment most often comes in the form of travel

This past year, after celebrating ten years of leadership at Odyssey Leadership Academy (and after turning 50), I set my imagination on two massive travel excursions that were both role related and soul recentering.

One was a 5 day whitewater river rafting trip down the Salmon River with about 24 other school heads (you can read about that journey and the lessons I learned from the river HERE)

The other was a 10 day hiking trip through Europe that began with spending three days in Copenhagen engaging with the Happiness Research Institute and involved hiking from the top of the Swiss Alps to the cobblestone streets of Italy!

These planned travels gave me something to look forward to that fed my soul, enriched my work, and gave me hope when things were hard. For you, it doesn’t have to be travel, but having something to look forward, even dinner with friends, reminds you better days are ahead

Finally, there is nothing better than spending quality time with others outside your work responsibilities

Gatherings with family and friends create a safe space to just be outside of the requirements of the role

Here's something I've learned the hard way: You cannot sustain leadership if the only identity you have is "leader"

When I'm only the Head of School, when every conversation is about enrollment or curriculum or staffing challenges, I lose touch with who I am beneath the title

This is why spending quality time with family and friends—people who knew you before the role and will know you after it—is not a luxury. It's survival

The research is staggering: people with stronger social bonds have a 50% increased likelihood of survival than those who have fewer social connections.

But here's what the statistics don't capture: the feeling of being fully known

When I'm with those who know me as “Scott” and not “Dr Martin,” I'm not solving problems or making decisions. I'm present. I'm laughing. I'm remembering who I am when I'm not performing leadership

These relationships aren't just emotional support—they're anchors to my humanity

Whatever you do, do not neglect those relationships that exist beyond the title and role. They may be the very thing that end up saving you

Oak trees don't grow tall and mighty overnight. Their strength starts silently beneath the surface, in deep roots that steady them through every storm

Your Emotional Operating System is your root system

When these roots go deep, you can weather any storm without being uprooted. When they're shallow, every crisis threatens to knock you over

Prioritizing your emotional well-being not only nurtures your health, but also creates conditions for your whole school community to thrive

When your emotional life is steady, people trust you more.

They can sense a groundedness that creates a psychological safety in your building

When leaders embody calm and clarity, they model emotional intelligence and resilience—factors linked to healthier school climates and better student outcomes

Studies show a strong correlation between the emotional resilience of the school administrator and positive outcomes in teachers, including:

Resilient administrators foster supportive school cultures, promote collaboration, and effectively manage challenging situations, ultimately creating a more positive and productive environment for teachers

You can exercise and read all you want, but if you're emotionally depleted and relationally isolated, you'll still burn out

Think about it this way:

They work together. They reinforce each other.

And by cultivating the deep-rooted practice of emotional flourishing, you bring optimism, hope, purpose, and enthusiasm to the work…for yourself and for those you lead

On the journey with you,

Scott

Did you know that everything I'm sharing in this newsletter series is also drawn out in robust detail in my resource: The Flourishing School Leader's Field Guide?

This field guide unpacks my personal operating system and walks you through creating yours, as well as provides proven strategies to rekindle passion, restore purpose, and create an ecosystem of trust and flourishing in your school community.

It’s essentially everything I cover in my executive coaching sessions in a DIY guide for ONLY $40 bucks!! 

Whether you’re feeling inspired and want to sustain your momentum—or exhausted and in need of renewal—this field guide is your companion for leading with courage, clarity, and care.